"My Darling Wife,
I made a little discovery this morning after you left the house. That
coffee that I bought is also decaf. I don't know who's idea it was to
build a huge display of coffees, all of which are marked as decaf only
in fine print, but I'm going to be writing a letter. This is surely
going to cause some kind of accident. Anyway I thought I'd let you
know you might wanna get some caffeine in your system before the the dt's set in."
• He values caffeine.
• He knows how much I value caffeine.
• He looks out for me.
I love it.
P.S. It was totally a Starbucks that had the huge display of DECAF coffee. As if co-opting Italian culture and selling overpriced coffee wasn't bad enough. Morons!
The Race To Get Married
First on the list is The Race to Get Married. The thing about The Race to Get Married is, it isn't a race at all. There is no finish line and nobody's giving out blue ribbons. Still, there are people all around me who seem to view marriage as goal, right there next to "See the Grand Canyon" and "Get my Masters." Not that you shouldn't want to get married, but maybe you shouldn't put the cart before the horse. Like, maybe you should get a boyfriend first. Go on a few dates. Get to know each other, you know, outside of the bedroom. Maybe let the relationship develop naturally, instead of putting it on a timeline.
Then there's the folks who've been dating for years, but mysteriously aren't any closer to determining the direction they're headed than they were on their first date. It never ceases to amaze me how many people choose to just "go with it," over the discomfort of a break-up. It's totally lame, not to mention cowardly and a complete waste of your time and theirs. And worse, plenty of their partners ride it out, in hopes of some emotional breakthrough; or drop not-so-subtle hints about The Future, on the off chance that their lover has merely forgotten they've been sharing an apartment for the last 4 years. Do you really want to marry someone who can't decide whether or not they want to be with you? Puh-leeze. My dog has more self esteem.
Side Note: What's with people moving in together right after they begin dating? Am I the only person who can see far enough ahead to realize what a pain in the ass this is going to be if it doesn't work out? That you'll be stuck sharing this one bedroom apartment for 8 more months unless you can come up with the means to break the lease? Maybe I just hate moving more than some people. Or maybe it's that I've helped some friends move one too many times out of their boyfriend's/girlfriend's apartment. All I'm saying is, leave your hormones out of the decision-making process. There's always sleep overs.
You're Married. Now What?
So you just spent the last year of your life planning your dream wedding and dropping every last penny on the reception hall and that all-inclusive couples resort south of the border. But you're married now! All those doubts and conflicts you were having as an unmarried couple magically disappeared after that ring was slipped on your finger, right?
Wait, you mean you still don't agree on how to spend your finances? Or what city you want to live in? Or whether or not you want to have kids? You mean, now you have to consider this other person before you make any big decisions for the rest of your life?!
It sounds ridiculous, I know, but that's what I see happening to people around me. They're so caught up in the "getting married" part, they don't realize what it actually means to be married. And hey, maybe it's not that big of a deal. You can always get divorced, almost as easily as you can find an exit off the interstate with a McDonald's. Having had my own wedding, I'm just saying it seems like a whole lot of hooey and expense to bother with if you're not willing to put forth at least the same effort into your marriage. Yeah, I said "effort." You're not lying on your back getting a Swedish massage here. You're a participant.
I Know What You're Thinking
It kills me how two people, who are supposed to love and support one another, come to expect the worst from each other. I see this all the time, and it's really bugging me, maybe even more than the rushing into marriage part. You come to assume your partner's reactions and feelings, without batting an eye. You stop giving the benefit of the doubt. You expect the worse, and the worst is delivered. It's a vicious cycle of bickering, over the stupidest shit, simply because you're both too stubborn or lazy to consider any other alternatives to what you've come to expect from each other. Let me tell you something, peoples of the eenternet. Being stubborn is childish and unproductive. No matter how right you think you are, you're never going to move beyond where you're at if you're not receptive to your partner.
Monogamy: Leaving The Compound In Utah
Generally speaking, you're not supposed to "do it" with anyone other than your spouse when you're married. It's an idea that haunts a lot of people when they're thinking about a proposal. To those of you who fear the idea of being sexually active with only one person the rest of your life, I submit that you lack innovation and creativity. But you have my understanding just the same. It was something I worried about myself during the first year that B & I were dating, having previously enjoyed being single and sleeping around, having cheated on boyfriends, having boyfriends cheat on me, etc, etc. However, I quickly discovered the benefits of our commitment far outweighed any sexual exploits from my past.
On the one hand, it's just sex. For some people, it's just as perfunctory as eating and sleeping. So what's the big deal with a few wham-bam-thank-you-ma'ams on the side, apart from the regular STD tests? If you are able to maintain a successful open relationship, more power to you. But the fact is, most of us can't stand the thought of their partner being with someone else. Let alone how complicated it could get around Valentine's Day.
On the other hand, it's just sex. So what's the big deal with keeping the booty in the marriage?
How you choose to deal with the issue of monogamy within your relationship isn't for me to decide. But, for fuck's sake, make sure your partner is on the same page. And give each other a break, already! It isn't like once you're married, you're dead inside and all your sexual urges and inexplicable attractions to other people completely disappear. But if you're contemplating ending your marriage because you're attracted to someone else, my unsolicited advice is, douse a little cold water on those hormones and then see how you feel. Consider what you're left with, once the hot flashes subside.
See, the reason they call it a "commitment" is because you're pledging to work it out, even when it doesn't feel good. Even when things feel really bad, and you said some things and they said some things, and you're not sure if you'll ever be able to look at them the same. I'm not suggesting you stick it out with the jerk who smacks you around because his dinner is cold, or the bitch who's systematically fucking all of your friends and spending all of your money. I'm just saying, Be reasonable, people. Think about how you treat each other. Have a little compassion. Quit assigning blame and start accepting some fucking responsibility.
Otherwise, I want the 50 bucks back that I spent on your sham of a wedding gift.
• What is it with chicks and Tori Amos? I wish I could say I made it through all the way through at least one of her albums, but I just couldn't stay awake that long. She is not a goddess. Nor is she the leader of the feminist movement. As far as I'm concerned, the only movement she's leading is in my bowels.
• Why are bad haircuts trendy? You just spent $60 to look like my 5-year-old niece cut your hair with Barbie scissors in the dark. And don't tell me you're "weird" and "artsy," because any real artist wouldn't be dropping every last penny they have to get the same shitty haircut as all the rest of the suckers you wanna impress. They'd be spending it on gear and art supplies. And booze and drugs.
• Bands, you don't need a gimmick. You need good songs. If you'd just quit re-writing Green Day and Nirvana songs for five minutes and look out the god damn window, you might find some real inspiration. And put those silly costumes away. We're not doing Hairspray, we're doing rock n' roll. If you're spending more time styling your bad haircut and picking out a stage outfit than you do working out your material, you're a douche – a very unoriginal douche. But you'll still probably get a record deal with Dreamworks and appear on the Jimmy Kimmel show, while all the amazing musicians I know will continue to struggle to make enough money to buy gas to play some shitty club in Ohio.
• Drinking cheap, shitty beer is what you do when you are broke or there are no other alternatives. You're not making a social statement; you're just drinking bad beer. Take that $60 you were gonna spend on next month's trendy-shitty-mullet haircut and go to your nearest micro-brewery. You can thank me later by building some fucking character.
• Getting naked on myspace doesn't make you a revolutionary. It means the chicks down at The Body Shop have better business sense than you do.